Uncle Xander Screams Like A Girl
by spike-me-1
Summary: Show and tell will never be the same in Sunnnydale again once the Summers children have their turn. FUTURE/AU
1. Default Chapter

Title: Uncle Xander Screams Like A Girl  
Author: spike_me_1  
Email: spike_me_@yahoo.com  
URL: http://www.geocities.com/spike_me_1  
Distribution: Only with my permission. Email me.  
Rating: G  
Summary: In the distant future Buffy and Spike are married with kids. William Junior   
gives his family history to his kindergarten class and gets in trouble for being a little   
too much like his father. When you read his version of the story, picture a little kid   
telling a fairy tale.  
Spoilers: None  
Pairing: Buffy/Spike  
Keywords: Buffy, Spike, Future  
  
Miss Redmond's kindergarten class sat on the mats and turned their attention to the   
small, curly-headed blonde boy that stood before them. He smiled casually at his friends, stuck   
his slender little hands in his pockets, and began to tell his story.  
"Into each generation a Slayer is born. She is the Chosen One born with the strength   
and skill to fight the vampires…  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"So the Big Bad comes to town right? And he's got his mind set on killing the little   
Slayer because, well, that's what he does…  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"She turns and looks at him and she says, "Who are you?" Then the Big Bad says,   
"You'll find out Saturday." And the Slayer says, "What happens Saturday?" And the Big Bad   
says, "I kill you."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"The G.I. Joes put this chip in his head that shocks him whenever he tries to hurt   
people. Kinda like the collar that we got for my dog cause he barks too much…  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Now the Scooby Gang has to trust him, ya know cause he was helping them out and   
because he didn't tattle whenever that Glory bint was punching him…  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
"So he falls from this tower, see, and the Slayer is fighting that stupid Glory, right, and   
the Key is cut and starts bleeding. That's when all heck breaks loose…  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
"So he gets his chip taken out. The Slayer thinks that he's going to be all bad and evil   
again, but he doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore. So he has to prove his love to her, because   
he loves her more than anything in the world…  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"That's when the big demon came running after him. He punched and kicked and beat   
him up. Cause he's the Big Bad, remember? And all the while my Uncle Xander is screamin'   
like a girl…"  
  
"My dad does not scream like a girl!" Nick Harris added.  
"Whatever, whelp. Quiet down. You'll get your turn. So where was I? OH! My dad   
was kicking a little demon bum…  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"The Slayer holds his body tight, even though he is bleeding, and kisses his forehead   
and whispers that she loves him. As her tear falls, he opens his eyes…  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
"So apparently, a vampire and a slayer can have babies. But not Uncle Angel cause'   
he's a poof…"  
"William," his twin sister said to him in her warning voice, "Mommy says that Uncle   
Angel is not a poof. That is not nice to say." The small girl looked at him with her hazel eyes.  
"Alright, fine. So it didn't happen to Uncle Angel because he's a Nancy Boy…"  
"William?" a small boy asked, "how do vampires and slayers have babies?"  
"Well," William said with his blue eyes deep in thought, "My dad said it has something   
to do with having a bit of a 'how's your father'...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"And they lived happily ever after. But be careful at night cause there are all sort of   
nasties out and my parents might be busy," he added.   
The teacher, still in shock, cleared her throat and stared at her students. All of their   
eyes where as wide as saucers and their mouths were on the floor. The Summers children were   
quite unusual, but what did she expect with a mother named Buffy and a father named Spike?  
"That was quite interesting William. You have some imagination."   
William smiled that cocky smile of his as he lay back down on his mat, with his arms   
behind his head. Miss Redmond hoped that the next "Family History" would be a little less   
eventful. "Nick Harris, it's your turn."  
The chubby little brunette walked in front of the class and took a deep breath. With   
that one breath he spouted out, "My dad is a Watcher and my mom used to give men syphilis."   
With that, he turned and went back to his mat. Miss Redmond stared in astonishment. So   
much for hoping.  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Later that night….  
  
"He did what?!!!" Buffy yelled as her daughter replayed all of the day's events for her.   
"Spike!!!!"   
"Yea, love?" her husband asked as he poked his head into the kitchen.  
"What did I tell you about telling Will those 'bedtime stories'? Do you not realize that   
the child repeats everything you say?"  
"Bloody hell," they heard Will exclaim form the living room. He knew he had been   
ratted out. Just like Joyce, always tattling on him.  
"William Rupert Summers you watch your mouth and get to your room so I can think of   
a way to punish you!" Spike yelled to his son. With a defeated look and his head bowed, Will   
marched up the stairs to his bedroom.   
"Joyce, sweetie, you go ahead and brush your teeth and I will be up to tuck you in.   
Alright?" Buffy said as she kissed the girl lightly on the head.   
"Night' Daddy!" Joyce said as she flew her arms around his legs. Spike picked her up   
and squeezed her tight.  
"Night' Nibblet. I'll be up in a sec as well," he said a he put her down. "Love you!" he   
yelled as she dashed up the stairs. Spike prepared himself for the wrath of Buffy.  
"What the hell is wrong with you?" she said as she hit him in the arm for good measure.   
"It doesn't matter that you tell it like a fairy tale, Spike. He repeats everything!"  
"I know, Love. I'll stop. I promise, just please no more hitting," he said as he pouted   
his bottom lip. Buffy stared at her husband. He no longer had his signature platinum blonde   
hair. It was back to his original color, dirty blonde. He no longer wore his duster, except on   
patrolling. He looked more alive now than ever before in his life, but that fire and mischievous   
twinkle was still in his eyes. She smiled at her "Big Bad" all dressed in a Polo shirt.   
"Now go explain to your son that it is not nice to tell stories," she said before she gently   
kissed him on his lips.  
"I am such a bloody Nancy Boy," he said as he rolled his eyes and headed towards the   
stairs.  
"And watch your language! You can fuss at him for that too," she smiled as she   
watched him. Just then the phone rang. Buffy walked across the room and picked it up.   
Maybe it was Dawn! She hadn't heard from her since her semester started at N.Y.U.  
"Hello. Oh hi Xander. Yes we heard all about the fiasco. Yes, Spike is taking care of   
it right now. He did what?" she bit her lip to hold back her laughter "You don't say? Yes, you   
may have a word with my Evil- Bloodsucking- Fiend- of- a- Husband. Hold on." Buffy cover   
the receiver and yelled up the stairs. "Spike! You have a phone call!" She was greeted by the   
confused face of her spouse as she handed him the phone. "Something about Uncle Xander   
screaming like a girl," she giggled as she stepped back.  
Spike rolled his eyes and picked up the phone. "Ello'?" pause "Yea whelp." pause   
"What do you want?" pause " I never said such a thing!" pause "Well you damn well do…"   
Buffy laughed. What could she say? Like father like son. 


	2. Told Ya: Uncle Xander Still Screams Lik...

Title: Told Ya: Uncle Xander Screams Like A Girl Part 2  
Author: spike_me_1  
Email: spike_me_@yahoo.com  
URL: http://www.geocities.com/spike_me_1  
Distribution: Only with my permission. Email me.  
Rating: G  
Summary: Show and tell didn't go so well. Now for the aftermath...  
Spoilers: None  
Pairing: Buffy/Spike  
  
  
"Will, don't get so close to the street!" Buffy yelled to her five year old son, "and   
honestly Xander it wasn't that big a deal. What Nick said was beyond worse. Come on,   
syphilis?"  
  
"Yea, well blame that one on Anya. But still Spike shouldn't be telling him stuff   
like that. I'm supposed to be "Cool Uncle Xander" not some big girly-man."  
  
The two old friends sat on the park bench and watched their children play   
gleefully in the beautiful late summer sun. Show and tell had proven to be a horrendous   
incident the day before, so Buffy had decided to make up for it. Lunch and playtime on   
the Summers, not to mention a few hours away from Anya. How could Xander refuse?  
  
"So what is the Evil Dead up to today? Possibly planning our destruction as we   
speak?" Xander mused.   
  
Buffy shoved at him playfully, "No. Today he's playing Martha Stewart. Dawn's   
coming in tonight and the house was a wreck. He promised he'd do all of the cleaning if   
I took the munchkins out to play. I think that was his way of kissing up after the whole   
Show-and-Tell-Too-Much. Plus he's almost finished his new book and needed to edit a   
few things."  
  
"Who'da thought he could make so much money writing about all of the sadistic   
stuff he did. Betcha never thought you'd be married to Anne Rice?" he laughed.  
  
"Not even in my worst nighmare," she said in a distracted tone. "William! Stop   
throwing sand! That isn't nice! If you keep misbehaving its time out for you mister!"  
  
"But MUM!!!!" came the small boy's reply.  
  
"No buts William!"   
  
"Yes, ma'am" he said as he quickly kicked the dirt, earning a stern look from   
Buffy.  
  
"Wants to be just like his dad, I swear," she sighed as she shook her head.  
  
"Showing homicidal tendencies already?"  
  
"Xander!! That's your godson!"  
  
"Geez, Buffster, just playing there. No need to get upset. William's not a bad kid,   
he's just.... strong willed," Xander added.  
  
Buffy laughed, "Ain't that the truth."  
  
"So when's Dawn coming in?" Xander asked.  
  
"Sometime later tonight. Giles is picking her up from the airport. I swear that   
man misses her as much as I do. She really helped him out after he moved back. I think   
he just needed someone to watch over and mentor again. And Spike can hardly contain   
himself. All he talks about is his Nibblet and how grown up she is and how proud he is   
of her. He's even making her favorite dinner."  
  
Xander nodded his head. "So the boys start soccer next Wednesday. Bet Spike is   
excited about that."  
  
"That's an understatement. All I hear about is Manchester United and how Will   
is gonna..." she stopped mid sentence and stared at her children. Joyce was still playing   
tea party with her friends, but she didn't see Will. "Will!" she shouted as she sprang to   
her feet. "William! William answer me!" With Xander at her heels she scanned the   
small playground and headed for Joyce. "Joyce, baby, where's your brother?"  
  
"I don't know Mommy. Maybe he went to his secret spot," the little girl replied   
in a sweet voice.  
  
"Where's that Sweetheart?" Xander implored.  
  
"Over behind the bushes. He says no girls allowed because that's where they do   
their man things," she explained.  
  
"Okay Joyce. Now you stay right here where Mommy can see you. Okay?"  
  
"Yes ma'am."  
  
Xander and Buffy took off for the bushes across the play yard. As they drew   
nearer, a familiar little voice could be heard.  
  
"So this demon made them sing and dance. The whole town! Just like on   
Barney, except without big dinosaurs. And my mom almost danced until she exploded,   
but my dad saved her. He's strong like that. He's a hero you know. And then the demon   
almost took my Aunt Dawn, but Uncle Xander stood up and said he was the reason the   
demon was there. And he almost had to go to the demon's home and be his girlfriend..."  
  
"WILLIAM SUMMERS YOU STOP THIS INSTANT!" Buffy shouted.  
  
"Busted," little Nicholas laughed.  
  
"Okay everyone, that's the end of story time for today. Break it up. Play tag or   
red rover or something constructive," Xander commanded. The small circle that had   
been seated before William quickly got up and ran to the monkey bars.   
  
"What am I going to do with you?" Buffy exclaimed. "I can't take you anywhere!   
You have got to stop telling these stories Will. They are not true and you are scaring the   
other kids."  
  
"But Dad said..."  
  
"I don't care what your father told you, those stories are not to be repeated.   
Understood?"  
  
"Yes ma'am," the boy conceded.  
  
"Now go and play nice or I am taking you straight home to your room and you   
won't be able to see Aunt Dawn tonight," she added sternly. With head bowed to the   
ground, William marched off toward his friends.  
  
"Buff, you really need to be in charge of story time at the Summers house. I don't   
think demons should tell bedtime stories. It's like a rule somewhere. Anya isn't allowed   
to tell Nicky stories. The few times she did they were about her old vengeance days or   
the power of capitalism. Like that didn't scar my son for life."   
  
Two more hours of conversation later, the Slayer and Watcher still sat on the iron   
bench. The sun was beginning to set and Buffy knew it was about time to go home. She   
didn't like having the children out past dark. Too many nasties lurking about. As it was   
she already had dusted a vamp in front of the children a few months ago. It was his fault   
for trying to attack her in front of the grocery store. Try explaining that to two five-year-  
olds covered in dust.  
  
"It was nice today. Just the two of us. Kinda like old times. I wish Willow could   
have come. I haven't seen her in two days," Xander said.   
  
"You try prying her away from that new baby," Buffy grinned. "She and Tara   
haven't put Amelia down since they got her."  
  
"I know. She's a cute little wicca too. I still can't believe one of the women in   
the coven was just going to give send her off into some portal. I can't imagine giving my   
son away like that."  
  
"Me neither. It's just so awful. Seems to be happening a lot these days. But,   
hey. Everything happens for a reason. Willow and Tara wanted a baby so bad and it   
wasn't fair that they couldn't have one. I guess it was just fate," she said.  
  
"Knowing the coven in England has done a lot of good for Willow. And that's   
just one of the reasons," Xander added.  
  
"And so say all of us," Buffy agreed. "Speaking of England, how long are you   
going to be gone next week?"  
  
"Dunno. The counsel said it was going to be a short retreat. Just the basics, but   
you never know with those guys. Believe me there is nothing more fun than a bunch of   
drunken, stuffy watchers talking about...." Xander trailed off as he witnessed the dark   
figure approaching them. "Well if it isn't the happy homemaker! Did you remember to   
scrub the toilets?"  
  
"Even'in Harris. You look as bloated as eva," he grinned as he sauntered up to   
his wife giving her his sexiest grin. "And how's my better half?" he asked seductively   
ask he embraced the woman that drew near to him and nibbled on her neck.  
  
"Ummm... better," she replied as she sighed. Xander cleared his throat loudly   
and Buffy backed away, blushing. "So'd you get everything ready? Is she here yet?"  
  
"Yes and no. The house is sparkling, even put out the doilies," he winked, "but   
Rupes called and said her flight had been delayed. They'll be here in another three hours.   
So I figured I'd come out here and see if Xander wanted to ride the see-saw."  
  
"I'm good thanks," Xander replied.  
  
"Well then maybe you can later, pet," he said with a wicked grin on his face.   
Buffy merely rolled her eyes.   
  
"Daddy!!!!!" rang through the air and the next thing Spike knew a small girl was   
attached to his leg.  
  
"Hello cutie! How's my little pumpkin nose?" he asked as he ruffled her hair.   
  
"I've been good. Mommy even said so. I played tea party with Caroline and   
Emma, except I had to put Miss Edith in the bushes cause she was bad," Joyce explained.   
Buffy cringed. She had called that doll Miss Edith for as long as she could remember,   
but it still bothered her. Any reminder of Drusilla was a bad one. Spike had started   
calling the doll by that name as a joke. No one ever expected it to stick. "Will you come   
play with us? You can be the queen."  
  
Xander snorted. Spike gave him a warning glare.  
  
"Sure thing love. Just let me tell your mum something and I'll be right there. Off   
you go now," he said as he patted her on the bottom and sent her on her way. Once she   
was near her friends again, he slid himself on the bench next to Buffy and put his arm   
around her. "So how was William today?"  
  
"The perfect reminder of the inevitability of home schooling," Buffy moaned.   
Spike chuckled.   
  
"Yeah, he's quite the little monster isn't he? Bet he kept you on your toes," he   
said as he shook his head. After a moment he looked at her and whispered to the two   
Scoobies. "Main reason I came out here love was to warn you. Heard talk of a new   
vampire gang in town. Real nasty. Actually sired the leader, Steve. Taught him most of   
what I know. Could be very dangerous. Thought I'd give you the heads up."  
  
"Thanks Sweetie. We'll keep our eyes open," she said as she let go of his hand   
and watched him walk over to Joyce's tea party.  
  
"Great. Just what this town needed, more vampires," Xander teased.  
  
"Yup. Never have enough of those," she replied.   
  
"Just in case though Buffy, we better get going. I don't like having the kids out   
this late. I mean you never know what could...."   
  
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" came the snarl from behind them. Xander screeched at the top   
of his lungs as he fell to the ground and Buffy whipped out her stake, ready in her   
fighting stance. Laughter filled the air as the small children behind them witnessed the   
scene. There stood Spike, big grin on his face and arms crossed, with William right   
beside him laughing.  
  
"Told ya," William smirked. 


End file.
